How do you live with a spouse for 55 years and have nothing in common?

 How do you live with a spouse for 55 years and have nothing in common?

Our marriage was arranged marriage and we were 22 and 23 years old. My wife is 9 months younger than me. I was not ready to be married and it was not my wife’s fault. The day I was married, I was dreaming to be single again. My life became roller coaster. Our Son was born the following year when I was teaching at the university at young age of 23. Just after marriage, I was lucky to get a university faculty position with first class M.Sc. (honors) only because there were not many Ph.D. candidates available at that time. I did use political help to make sure I get this job. After little over a year, I started feeling that without Ph.D. I will not get too far in the university. I started applying for studies abroad and was accepted at Yale University, USA as a graduate student with a fellowship. I arrived in New Haven Connecticut in August just under a month before classes started. After about a year my wife and son arrived in USA and he was hardly 2 years old. We got two bedroom apartment in University graduate-student housing. Life was tough after enjoying two years of university faculty position in India. I was busy with study and there was no time to think about anything else. My wife was supportive and there was no time for me to dream about being single. To make long story short after Ph.D. and postdoctoral study I joined faculty at University in North Carolina and we decide to settle here in USA. Yale University sponsored me during my postdoctoral work with Professor Dr. Graeme P. Berlyn for permanent residency. Thanks to Graeme who is my mentor and good friend.

Here we are after 55 years of marriage living in Mountain House, CA with lovely weather, the only thing I like about this state where I moved after taking early retirement from North Carolina University to be with our son. He lives in Fremont with his wife and two sons.  His move was to be in Silicon Valley. He is high tech guy with MBA from Wharton School of business in Pennsylvania. His wife is in high-tech too and we have two twin grandsons.

Even after 55 years of marriage, we don’t have much common as a couple. We are both stubborn. I am a thinker and reasonable stubborn but she has no sense of reasoning. She will drive me nuts but take good care of me. She is a good wife, good mother and a great grandmother. Now death is the only option to be single again. I think I will die married.

When I say nothing in common, you will see we have nothing in common. It is obvious to any observing friend. Son-in-law of my friend, Greg asked Ritu his wife, how uncle (I) and auntie (my wife) get along. They have nothing in common. Greg and Ritu are like a family to us and both are doctors with specialization in Obstetrics & Gynecology. Ritu asked with a laugh without hesitation the question that Greg had asked “How uncle (I) and auntie (my wife) get along. They have nothing in common.” In the back of my mind, I admired observation of Greg who is very much right and I totally agree with him. I laughed and brushed off Ritu by saying opposite poles attract each other. So now you can believe me when I said we have nothing in common.

Here’s how much we differ, as husband and wife while still have a successful house hold.

I love to ride a bike. She never even learned how to ride a bike

I like to walk every day. She never goes for a walk.

I love coffee as well as tea. She hates coffee and drinks tea only.

I listen more. She is more talkative

I can feel the tickles. She doesn't get affected by it

I enjoys being experimental with food. She will eat the same stuff.

I am science oriented. She is art major.

I believe in logic and reasoning. She cares less about logic and reasoning.

I am over-thinker. She doesn’t think at all.

I dance only when necessary. She likes to dance.

I like to stay home and do my own things. She likes to go out.

I hate shopping. She loves to do shopping.

I order things only online, if possible. She buys in store only.

I do all my banking online. She goes to bank for everything.

I use credit card. She pays cash for shopping.

I like sweet snacks. She prefers salty snacks.

I love adventures. She normally doesn't like outdoor stuff.

I hate to talk on phone. She loves to talk on phone.

I hate gossip. She loves gossip

I don’t sing except for myself only. She likes to sing at a party.

I don’t like cooking smell in the house. She cares less about the smell.

I am a good swimmer. She can’t swim.

I sleep well. She is light sleeper.

I take shower. She takes bath using bucket.

I am on almost all social networks.  She has no interest in social networks.

I like happy and cheerful mood. She hardly smiles by herself unless I make her smile.

However, she is a good wife, good mother and great grandmother as I have said earlier. She is very caring and giving person, and I feel blessed to have her in my life.

To me her happiness means everything in spite of our differing nature. You can’t be happy unless your partner is happy. I try but have very limited success making her happy.

You must be wondering how the hell we lasted 55 years with nothing in common. Most of the traditional advice that is given to couples married for over 50 years doesn’t seem to apply to us. Here are common suggestions, so called experts give. Don’t stop flirting... Make intimacy a priority outside the bedroom. Force yourself to talk even when you don't feel like it. Make sure you work as a team. Try to put your mate’s feelings before yours. Maintain good communication. Do not just guess you know what they are thinking. Have joint projects and interests, but keep your own projects and interest as well. Tell each other you love each other every single day. Have a lot of patience and never yell. Make everything a date. Make your partner feel wanted. Always kiss each other goodnight. NEVER go to bed angry or mad. End the night on a positive note. Decompress by getting in hot tub together. Make sure you have the same financial priorities. Keep a good sense of humor, and so on. 

We have never practiced any of the advice given above by most of the experts; so called marriage pundits. Here are few of the things that I have learned. I am not sure if my wife shares the same feelings. We spend all of our life expecting people to change. If my spouse was like this or my son was like this. People don’t change. Accept the way they are. What makes marriage work is not necessarily having things in common and even love. We see many of the love marriages ending in divorce. Two people are never the same or even similar including the family and friends. Spouse is no exception. Accept your partner for who they are.  Don't try to change them. After all, people can only change if they want to.  Just accept their strengths and weaknesses that make them unique and that you love them for that. You may find nothing in common.

Don’t hold your feelings and point out the faults as much as praise. Don’t be afraid of argument if something is bothering you too much about your spouse. However, never say anything just to hurt your partner. Be honest about what you say and give the reason. It's not that couples that last half a century simply don't fight. It's that they've learned.

We often see couples smiling and being happy in public and wish we are like them. Know that the grass is not always greener on the other side. Many people end up unhappy in their marriage because they wonder, "What if there's someone better out there for me?" or "What if this is not the right path for me?" But, most of the time, the answers to those questions are: "There isn't." Don’t dwell on this. No marriage is perfect. Don’t look at social media, listen to celebrity stuff, and think that somewhere out there is a possibility of marriage made in heaven, where there are no issues. That's simply not true. Every family has issues.

Wish you all the best for couples out there. Be happy!

Author Notes: This is the real story for autobiography of an author of Self-help and Spiritual books. http://dpcpress.com/books_drd_ad.html (Self-help and spiritual series)